Mixed love story with a moroccan man. All you need to be aware of
If there is one area where cultural differences are most glaring, it is the area of relationships between men and women, and more specifically romantic relationships.
It is also an area where they hurt the most, emotionally, humanly and sometimes financially. With an own love story as a foreign with a moroccan man, having worked in tourism and seen many love encounters between guides and tourists, having girlfriends married, in a relationship with Moroccans, boyfriends married to Moroccan women, girlfriends and boyfriends separated or divorced, having heard many love or “love” stories of couples between a moroccan and a foreign, I wanted to share our experiences, to, perhaps, avoid some problems to you, openin your eyes or helping you to heal some blessures. In this article I will talk specifically about love stories between a foreign woman and a moroccan man, which are the most frecuent but if you are foreign man in a similar situation some of the facts explained could also be interested for you.
As this is a tourism site I will focus on love stories with moroccan men born and raised in Morocco. Actually, there is a huge difference between a Moroccan who has really lived abroad, integrated into society, and a Moroccan who has never left Morocco, or only for vacations or for “bubble” immigration (i.e. living and working among Moroccans).
The begining of the love story with a moroccan man
In general, these love stories with a moroccan man have two possible startin point. The first option is when a woman travels to Morocco (specially solo travel or with other girl friends) and she meets a moroccan man that seduce her with his charm, we can´t deny it, moroccan men are good seducers, they know how to conquer a girl. The exotism of the country also attract women…
The other possibility is the online meeting. Let´s be honnest, many moroccans are doin their best on social media to find their wey to leave Morocco. And the key is to marry some foreign woman. For them it becomes almost an obsession so they do their best to make someone fall in love with them and….
The love story with a moroccan man
Well in my experience I ve found some mixed coples that last long time, that are sincere relationships with no interests behind. But I would say around the 90% of stories will finish in a bad way (specially for the woman). If you are in one of these relationships right now and you think you are between the 10% of lucky ones who find a sincere moroccan man keep on reading, this could open your eyes or at least prepare set your alarm on in case something “not so clean” happened.
Let´s take a look about how relationships work in islamic cultures
Relations between men and women are codified by Islam and by social pressure
This means:
– No sexual relations outside marriage, they are even sanctioned by the law
– No boyfriend/girlfriend introduced to the family if one does not intend to get married (quickly)
– The man’s duty is to take care of his wife and his home, he pays for everything, there is no financial “sharing”, and the money the woman earns is for her
– The woman’s duty is to make children and educate them and, eventually, if she wants, to take care of her house (if not, the man must pay her a housekeeper)
– A divorced woman is a “second hand” woman, it is her fault if she is divorced (she did not take care of her husband well enough, she did not give him children)
– The man has the right to have several wives
– Man owes respect to his parents and elders
– Non-Muslims go to hell
And whatever he may say to you, it is part of his culture, his “software”, and it is what he expects, unconsciously or not, from his marriage. What others, starting with his parents to whom he owes respect expect from you.
The alarm signals to consider in a mixed relationship with a moroccan man
From this point on, a number of things should alert you. Either your Moroccan lover is not sincere, or he/she does not really realize what he/she is saying. Others are signs that he does not respect you. In a society where respect is essential, and where the “dishonor” of a woman reflects on her husband, it is worrying for the future.
Love at first sight
I loved you as soon as I saw you, I knew you were the woman of my life
And then what? Honestly, this love at first sight, how often does it really happen in life? If Beigbeder said that love lasts three years, it’s because this love at first sight doesn’t last. What will come after?
He doesn’t want to marry you
At least it is clear. You are just a source of pleasure and income. That may be fine with you, just be clear about it.
He wants to marry you “right now”
Given the constraints on sex outside of marriage (#1), this is pretty normal. And a good sign that he is sincere. We just have to understand that marriage, under these conditions, doesn’t have the same value of sentimental commitment for life that it can have for us. Marriage can be nothing more than a “right to make love legally and without sin”. Divorce is also very easy in this type of marriage. Some tribes had even institutionalized it, as described by Michèle Kasriel in her book on the Aït Hadiddou, by destroying the legend of Imilchil.
Financial demands
Whether they are small (a phone card), medium (paying for the hotel where we meet) or more important, they contradict rule number 3. The Moroccan man who really loves you should not ask you for money. And if he does ask you for money, there is no better way to test his love than to refuse him. He will respect you much more. And if he doesn’t like you, you’ll know right away.
In the long run, if you bring in the most income to the household, he will be hurt in his male pride.
One thing I have seen several times is when the moroccan man and/or his family takes profit of you and they pretend to be helping. For example: imagine you wanna rent a flat or a car in Morocco. They offer you their help and they find the appartment, car or whatever you need. The point is that they will charge you a price higher of the real price which means they will gat a comission for the “help”. So in case you want to get something in Morocco you are interested on learning the real local prices and accept his help in the negociations but be sure everything is transparent
He is much younger than you and it shows.
Yes, most Moroccans do not marry women older than themselves. When they do, the age difference should not be noticeable. When you see the comments on the Macron couple, you can be sure that the comments on yours will be a hundred times worse. Also, if you are too old to have children, it will be a problem.
Another point I ve seen several times is when a young moroccan man lies with his age telling you that he is older of what he actually is. They will even tell you tant their father signed him up time after his birth. This might be true for moroccan men over 40 but if he’s younger this is very probably a lie.
He has always dreamed of marrying a French woman
A French woman, a European woman, a Western woman….
This may be true. But it means that before being a woman he loves, you are a fantasy he is trying to fulfill (and you are certainly not the first…)
This point deserves a very long discussion, to understand the “why” and to think together about the reality of his ideas.
Some reasons may be perfectly valid, by the way. One of the reasons my husband wanted to marry a European woman was that he was divorced and had a son. He thought that European women were better mothers-in-law than Moroccan women (who are often married with children from a first marriage). This was a good reason.
Other reasons are more dangerous for the future of your couple: he fantasizes about blondes, he thinks that European women are more liberated and won’t bother him like Moroccan women, or simply that it’s easier to sleep with them.
He doesn’t want to have children
Or he just tells you that it’s not important to him.
My eye!
Even if he sincerely means it when he tells you, between the pressure of parents (#7) of society (that’s the first question you get asked, always, right after you find out you’re married, “do you have kids”) and his biological clock that will make him panic if he doesn’t have kids by the time he’s in his 40s, in the 16 years I’ve been in Morocco, I don’t know a single Moroccan man who’s satisfied with not having kids.
Small children are probably the only people Moroccans can be tender with in public
And don’t imagine that adoption can make up for it.
Anyway, when he tells you this, he is really telling you that he is not interested in a long-term relationship.
He lives in a small town
Or in a working class area of a big city, or in the boondocks.
This simply means that the “traditional” social pressure will be much heavier for you. Maybe this life will suit you, maybe not. In my experience, it is rather difficult. Will he be willing to move if you really need him to? Will he be isolated, further away from his parents and family? Will his parents see him in a positive light?
You don’t have a real common language
Most Moroccans, especially those who work in tourism, quickly learn a few words, those that are useful for their work. From there to “speaking a language” is a long way. Basic conversations in a couple are difficult when there is not a common language sufficiently mastered by both.
Before coming to Morocco, I experienced this in a couple where our “best” common language was English, which was not the native language of either of us. It was difficult, even though our cultural references were close.
Emotion, the affective load, already tends to diminish our capacities of expression and comprehension in our mother tongue, their effect is even heavier in a foreign language.
This is true for all mixed couples. But it is even more important in a country where cultural differences are so important.
He left school early
Unfortunately, the lower the level of education, the more difficult it is to understand the other’s culture. This implies to get out of one’s cultural presuppositions, therefore, already to identify them as such.
This is not easy for anyone.
It is simply necessary to integrate the fact that, given the weaknesses of Moroccan public education, someone who has just passed his or her baccalaureate has a level of education that corresponds rather to a brevet. Take the romance out of the situation, and ask yourself if you would consider this relationship with a fellow countryman.
It all depends on you, what you are looking for in a relationship… but don’t imagine that you are going to turn into a “teacher” to teach him everything. That’s a different role than being a wife.
You don’t want to become a Muslim
Non-Muslim, you can very well marry a Muslim if you are “officially” Christian or Jewish (“officially” meaning that it is a paper and that no one cares about your real faith).
But …
everyone will regularly ask you to convert, for your own good (to avoid going to hell, n°8) and for the good of the one who converts you and who thus gains his place in Paradise your husband being Muslim, your children will be Muslim too, circumcised for the boys, subjected to the Muslim religious legislation in Morocco and to a religious education not always progressive (understatement) on which you will not have your word to say since you are not Muslim if you divorce, you will have to convert to Islam in order to have custody of the children
etc. etc.
Yes, of course one can live happy love stories
Don’t make me say what I didn’t write. There are also happy mixed couples, which last as long, if not longer, than a “non mixed” couple.
There are also couples who end up separating, after a while, because each one evolves differently.
A mixed couple is both a beautiful adventure, an enrichment of the other’s culture, and more difficulties. You just have to be a real couple to face them.
What about you? What do you think about it? Have you “taken the plunge” and married a Moroccan? Were you affected by any of my 11 red flags? How did things evolve?
